SCENE START
THE HALLWAY OF A MAJOR WESTERN RESEARCH UNIVERSITY
A sterile, endless institutional corridor. Along the wall, we see a series of identical frosted-glass doors. We can see the silhouettes of people inside - they all appear to be women with expensive haircuts.
FEMINISM stands behind a podium. She wears severe spectacles and holds a very thick textbook.
MEN stands opposite her, holding a clipboard and looking tired.
Feminism
Welcome! Let’s begin. Our 'Feminist Critical Theory™' has identified that all men - and the power structures they built to oppress women - constitute a 'Patriarchy™.' Therefore, the goal of Feminism is to 'Deconstruct™' 'Male Privilege™' and 'Remake™' society to 'Emancipate™' women.
Men
Okay. Simple question to start: What is a 'woman'?
Feminism
(A long, painful pause)
...Can we get back to you?
Men
Right. Well, while you’re looking that up, what is your evidence for the claim that all men oppress all women?
Feminism
Here is a list of three specific grievances! Also, our theory states we feel 'Unsafe™' when you use the word 'evidence.' Our theory is post-modern; it states there is no 'objective truth,' only 'Ways of Knowing™.' Your demand for objectivity privileges 'Dominant Ways of Knowing™' that are, under our theory, 'white, cis-gender and hetero-normative™.'
Men
Okay, I promise I won't use the 'o-word' again.
Men (CONT'D)
But on the issue of oppression, here is my list of three specific things: suicide rates, workplace deaths, and incarceration. The data shows men are suffering significantly in these areas.
Feminism
I’m going to have to stop you there. Your list is not evidence. One: You are a man; our theory states you are 'structurally™' unable to experience oppression. Two: Your data was created through what our theory calls 'Epistemic Violence™' - also known as math. And three: Our theory says we have 'Epistemic Superiority™.'
Men
'Epistemic Superiority™'?
Feminism
Our theory says it means we know better than you because of our 'Lived Experience™.'
Men
Okay. This theory of yours seems to state a lot of things, but provides no evidence of a type in support of that statement that an 'Unsafe™' man (not me!) might call 'objective'?
Feminism
Yes, our theory is AMAZING - slayyyyy!
Men
Right. So let’s test this amazing theory. If men are dying in massively disproportionate numbers, surely the wider social system is broken - not the men?
Feminism
No. Our theory states that male harm is caused by male behaviors. Stoicism, competition, aggression.
Men
So it’s not the system; it’s male culture? Wait... if I said that about the culture of any other demographic, wouldn't that be racist?
Feminism
STOP OPPRESSING ME! Our theory clearly states you can't be racist against white men. If you want to argue about colonization or race, please go down the hall.
(She points to two doors)
Feminism (CONT'D)
You can speak to the wealthy white women in 'Critical Race Theory™' or the wealthy white women in 'Post-Colonial Theory™.' They have a chart that explains why everything is your fault.
Men
I see. And what about body image issues? Or sexuality?
Feminism
(Pointing to further doors)
'Fat Theory™' and 'Queer Theory™' are three doors down. Just knock, the ladies are lovely. We play bridge together.
Men
(Looking down the hall at the silhouettes)
That is a lot of separate rooms. And looking through the glass... is there a single man in this entire building? Or anyone who didn't go to a private school?
Feminism
Of course not. Our theory states we need a 'Safe Space™' to discuss how awful you are. Also 'merit and equity' just resulted in female domination of social theory - which will have no harmful effects on society I am sure you can agree.
Men
Right. But do you ever... talk to each other? Or is it just a coincidence that you all use the exact same words and come to the exact same conclusions?
Feminism
It is a coincidence! We are totally independent fields of study who just happen to agree on everything - especially how much violence data and evidence cause anyone except white, cis-gender, hetero-normative men.
Men
Right. Now, back to these 'male behaviors' that are causing all the problems. Surely basic human actions like 'explaining something' or 'sitting on a train' aren't inherently oppressive?
Feminism
They are when you do them. You see, our theory is very good at taking a normal verb, adding the prefix 'Man-' to it, and turning it into a hate crime.
Men
I’m sorry?
Feminism
If a woman explains anything, it’s 'Empowering Discourse™.' If you do it? 'Mansplaining™.'
Men
If I interrupt?
Feminism
'Manterupting™.'
Men
If I sit comfortably?
Feminism
'Manspreading™.'
Men
If I get the flu?
Feminism
'Man-flu™.'
Men
If I breathe loudly?
Feminism
'Manspirating™.' It’s very violent.
Men
If my wife cares about me?
Feminism
'Mankeeping™.' Oppression.
Men
If I express my frustration?
Feminism
Thats a 'Mantrum™.' Violent.
Men
If I maintain boyhood hobbies into adult life?
Feminism
'Manchild™.' Also violent.
Men
This theory of yours really is flexible isn't it? I love how all these words can be created and used constantly and everywhere in a not even remotely oppressive ways by women.
Feminism
(Silent and looking around the room, increasingly awkwardly)
Men
OK, but to make sure I am absolutely clear - if a black, gay, overweight, colonized woman provided irrevocable proof that 'Manterupting™' had vanished from the workplace - or even worse wasnt actualy a thing in reality... would you accept that as proof of female, sorry - I mean women's progress?
Feminism
No.
Men
Okay. Would you accept it if it came from a black, gay, overweight, colonized TRANS-woman?
Feminism
(She freezes. Her eyes dart around in panic.)
... I SAID WE WILL GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT!
Men
Sorry - has my question oppressed you again?
Feminism
No, I am a strong, independent woman and somewhat fortuitously, our theory allows us to redefine oppression at any time - especially in an emergency where our theory appears to be an absurd, elaborate and unfalsifiable fantasy created by wealthy white women with too little experience in the world. If the big aggressions like 'Manterupting™' disappear, we simply 'shrink the target'.
Men
Shrink it?
Feminism
Yes. We introduce the concept of the 'micro-aggression™.'
Men
And what does that look like?
Feminism
Our theory says they are white, cis-gender, hetero-normative men's behaviours that are invisible to the naked eye. It could be a tone. A glance. A pause. A man sounding confident. It allows us to maintain a state of permanent grievance even in a utopia.
Men
Brilliant! You’ve created an unfalsifiable forever-war against engaging men in conversation. I sometimes wish men had a room where women were working hard to develop a theory for us - but one strictly consistent with your theory.
(Feminism stays silent, awkwardly shuffling their feet and looking around nervously.)
Men (CONT'D)
Sorry - I presume that was oppression again. I promise only one more 'epistemically violent(™)' question.
Feminism
Yes?
Men
In England, a 'woman' is a biological female. In Australia, it is anyone who identifies as a woman. Where can I find out more about the safety risks that this redefinition might pose to women and girls in bathrooms and prisons?
Feminism
Oh, that’s easy! Our theory says you should go ask the person in the very last room on the left.
(She points to a door marked "Men and Masculinities Theory™")
Men
...And who is in that room?
Feminism
Her name is Garry. She’ll tell you everything you need to know about being a man.