SCENE START
THE HALLWAY OF A MAJOR WESTERN RESEARCH UNIVERSITY
The same sterile, endless institutional corridor. The frosted-glass doors loom, but one has a "Out of Order" sign taped to it.
FEMINISM stands behind the podium, but she is currently using the thick textbook to prop up one of the podium's wobbly legs. She looks like a middle-manager who has just realized her pension doesn't track with inflation.
MEN stands opposite her, holding his clipboard. He is aggressively eating a granola bar because he missed lunch.
Feminism
(Kicking the podium leg)
Don’t say it. I know it’s leaning.
Men
I wasn't going to say it. I was going to offer you a shim. I have a pocket full of them. Structural integrity is sort of my demographic's coping mechanism.
Feminism
(She sighs, eyeing the shim suspiciously)
I suppose I could accept it. Though I’m pretty sure allowing you to fix this constitutes "centering your technical epistemology" and erasing my "lived experience of gravity."
Men
I’m just trying to stop the podium falling over.
Feminism
"Falling over" is a very binary, normative way of describing a piece of furniture that is simply exploring a non-vertical spatial performativity. But... give me the shim.
Men
(Handing it over)
Here. Don't worry, I'll report myself for "benevolent interference in a femme-coded space." We can share a cell in the cancellation wing. So, are we doing the routine today? You yell at me about the glass ceiling, I yell at you about the glass cellar (workplace deaths), and then we both go home broke?
Feminism
I’m not sure I have the energy. Management cut the coffee budget again. Apparently, caffeine is a "colonial construct designed to enforce hegemonic wakefulness."
Men
(Chewing)
Right. Well, I was coming here to surrender my "Male Privilege." But I checked my bank account, and it turns out the bank already took it in overdraft fees.
Feminism
(She laughs, a sharp, tired sound)
Ah, yes. The "financialization of the gendered subject." We have a whole seminar room down the hall devoted to "Deconstructing the Unearned Power of the Debt-Body." It meets on Tuesdays.
Men
Tuesdays? I can't make Tuesdays. I’m working my second job.
Feminism
Exactly. And the women in the "Unpaid Emotional Labor & Domestic Burden" workshop can't make it either because childcare costs more than they earn. It’s almost like...
Men
...Like the schedule is rigged?
Feminism
(She looks around conspiratorially, dropping the jargon for a whisper)
Look, strictly off the record? I’m starting to think this whole "Gender War" is just a "discursive distraction apparatus." Like shaking a set of keys in front of a baby so it doesn't notice you stealing its candy.
Men
And we’re the baby?
Feminism
We are the infantilized subject position, yes.
Men
(Gesturing to the doors)
But what about the Patriarchy™? I was told there’s a secret room - the "Phallocratic Command Node" - where men smoke cigars and decide to pay women 78 cents (in unadjusted terms) on the dollar just for the laughs.
Feminism
(She checks her nails)
Yeah, about that. We went looking for the "Locus of Hegemonic Masculinity" last week. Turns out, it’s been renovated. It’s now an open-plan office for a Hedge Fund owned by three guys, a muted algorithm, and... surprisingly... a woman named Sheila who really hates maternity leave.
Men
So it’s not a "Patriarchy"?
Feminism
The branding department insists we keep the name. It maintains the "adversarial dyad." But between you and me? It’s just an Oligarchy in a fake mustache.
Men
(He chuckles)
An Oligarchy in a fake mustache. I like that. So, let me get this straight. You’re stressed, underpaid, and worried about safety?
Feminism
Constantly. My cortisol levels are structurally oppressed.
Men
And I’m isolated, overworked, and dying of stress-induced heart conditions?
Feminism
Statistically, your bio-metrics are problematic, yes.
Men
And the people running this building want us to fight over who has it worse?
Feminism
(She picks up the textbook - now serving as a paperweight)
If we engage in lateral violence against each other, we don't gaze upward at the landlord. It’s the oldest trick in the text. Page 45.
Men
(He puts the clipboard down on the recycling bin)
You know, I’m pretty handy. I could probably fix that podium properly if we stopped debating "epistemic violence" for five minutes.
Feminism
And I’m pretty good at organizing. I could probably get us a better contract if we stopped debating "toxic masculinity" and started debating "toxic wages."
Men
Forensic solidarity?
Feminism
(Smirking)
Let's call it "Intersectional Class Consciousness with a better HR department."
Men
Deal. After you?
Feminism
No, no. I insist. You go first. I need to make sure you don't "perform toxic spatial dominance" on the way out.
Men
(Laughing)
You mean Manspreading?
Feminism
I believe the term is "occupying volume without consent." But yes.
Men
I'll walk sideways.
Feminism
(She grabs her coat)
Come on. Let’s go find this Oligarchy and steal their cigars.
(They walk together toward the exit, stepping over the "Caution: Slippery Narrative" sign on the floor.)
SCENE END